What Is He Drinking?

I was trying to put Emma down for a nap in the bedroom today, and was snuggling her up, hoping that would help. She was having trouble falling asleep and Jordan was in and out of the room making lots of noise. I finally told him to go get his ball. That's what we tell him when we need to buy a couple of minutes away from him, because he'll go searching and will often get distracted before he actually finds a ball. So Jordan left the room and came back in a couple minutes later with a brown liquid on his face and some on his shirt. He was giggling and acting like he did something naughty as he climbed up on the bed with us. I grabbed him and sniffed his breath. I don't know what's worse: knowing that your baby just drank coffee at 4pm or realizing that your 17 month old child actually enjoyed the taste of cold coffee.

Later in the evening, we had a second miss-a-sippy. We were all in the living room when Jordan jumped over me and smashed his mouth on Dave's knee. He started bleeding, so Dave jumped up and grabbed him a sippy cup full of water, a paper towel and of course some Jelly Bellies (is that really the plural of Jelly Belly?) to make it all better. Jordan put the JB's in his mouth and took a sip of water, then took the jelly beans out of his mouth and wiped them off on the paper towel. He paused a moment, then put the jelly beans back in his mouth. It was so weird! It wasn't until he got excited and shook up his cup that we figured out what happened. "What is he drinking?!"... "Uh.... It looks like soap.... Yep, that's soap."

I Knew I Forgot Something

I thought I'd make a new kind of to do list last Sunday. My old write-it-all-down-cross-it-off kind hasn't been working very well, and I can pretend I have the flu all I want but the truth is that I don't have the flu- I'm just being lazy and I don't know why. But on Sunday I decided it must be the format of my to-do list that is the real and true problem. So I drew seven boxes on a piece of huge non-standard sized paper and started writing down tasks that I do each week and each day in the boxes. I decided to do laundry Monday/Wednesday/Friday so I wouldn't have to do it every day and I thought I could just agree to always make the Costco trip on Thursdays. Well, I forgot to put that I should update my blog on there so I forgot to write it for two days. But I'm not sure it would have mattered anyway because honestly I haven't done anything that I did put on the list either, although I did think about doing those things.

Halloween Fiasco

I've been trying to find Halloween costumes for the kids for a few weeks now. None of the baby stores I have been to have any good ones! After browsing through five or six different stores in an attempt to find two decent costumes, I finally decided to go to a Halloween specialty store. I assumed they would have plenty of costumes to choose from there... right? Wrong. The first specialty store I went to had two costumes that would fit Emma and only one that would fit Jordan. I didn't feel like dressing my baby girl as a devil or a Tootsie roll, and Jordan was already a pirate last year, so I had them call another store. After waiting a while, the lady who worked there hung up the phone and came back to help us. "They have the Hulk, Shrek, a cow and a devil." Seriously? What happened to all the girl costumes?! This is so frustrating! So today, I made a trip to another specialty store even further away. They had no costumes that would fit Jordan. And they had a no return policy. That's a no-go when you're shopping for kids. So what did I walk out of there with? A realistic looking toy rat that squeaks and has been scaring the sh** out of me all day. Good shopping, Mom.

Mom's Day Off

We had a mommy spa day yesterday, where seven of us mommies met up for a day full of fun empty of children. It was the first time in a long time that many of us had been away from our kids, and although my kids are my world, it was a welcomed reprieve.

I was driving to the spa to meet the ladies when I realized I hadn't been alone in a vehicle in a non-residential area since I was on my way to the hospital the day Emma was born. So I plugged my iPod into the stereo, put it on shuffle, and cranked up the volume like a teenager experiencing the sweet taste of freedom for the very first time. The speakers unleashed the fury... Of Alvin and the Chipmunks. Next song. Raffi. Next song. Baby Einstein. Next song. Chipmunks again. Nevermind shuffle. Papa Roach on repeat it is.

I made it to the spa and couldn't wait for my massage. 80 minutes of silence and relaxation and time to focus on me... What more could a tired mom want? I climbed onto the massage table and sunk into a meditative trance when my therapist came in. And proceeded to talk about her 5 month old baby, how wonderful her baby is, how she picked her baby's name, the names of her future babies, the cute things her baby does, her pregnancy, her baby's birth, her friends' pregnancies and all subsequent births, her childhood, her parents' childhoods, her friends' childhoods... REALLY?!?!?!

A Day of Surprises...

Our day started as usual -- a cup of coffee and breakfast outside. But that was the only usual part of it. The rest of the day was full of surprises.

Surprise #1: I decided to clean out Jordan's toy box after breakfast because it hadn't been done in a couple of weeks and he had been putting toys from his room in the box, so it was completely overflowing and our living room was filled with toys. I started emptying the toy box out, and when I got to the bottom, what did I find? String cheeses, hot-dogs, bananas, bread, tomatoes... all chewed up and spit into the toy box. Some of them had clearly been in there since the last time the box had been cleaned out. YUCK. Guess I'll Clorox-wipe that.

Surprise #2: I put "So You Think You Can Dance" on in the living room for Jordan while I folded some laundry in the other room. When I returned, there he lay, butt naked, on the kitchen counter (he climbed the bar stool), wiggle-dancing to the music. Guess I'll Clorox-wipe that too.

Surprise #3: I gave Jordan a shower. I dried him off and he scrambled out of the bathroom while I cleaned up. Only seconds later, I heard him scream, and looked out of the bathroom just in time to see that... not only had he pooped on our bedroom floor- he stepped in it. And as if that wasn't bad enough, he was sliding his foot across the bedroom trying to get it off. Rubbing poop into the carpet as he went. I think I'm going to invest in a carpet cleaner. Clorox wipes wont even fix this.

Surprise #4: After scrubbing the poop out of the carpet, we finally got ready to go to the store. I opened the garage door and Jordan ran out into the driveway. He stepped on a snake (yes, a real and living one), then grabbed its head end as it wriggled to its death. I freaked out that my 17 month old baby was holding a snake (a snake!!! I hate snakes!!!) and I ran over to grab it from him. But he threw it at me instead. While he stood there fearless, I did the heebie jeebie dance in the driveway.

Surprise #5: We finally got to the grocery store. Jordan was in the back of the cart and Emma was in the seat in the front. I stopped for a moment when we walked in so that I could check my list to see what I needed. When I looked up, Jordan was eating bread. We didn't bring any bread into the store with us.

Oh S***

I just changed Jordan's diaper. He just brought me his diaper. It has the telltale marks of something that needed to be wiped, but there is none to be found. I can't believe I have to hunt for this type of egg. He was just playing in our pillows.

Ugh

Sometimes I wake up and think about all of the things I have to do for the day. I usually make a to do list when I have a lot of things that need to get done. Sometimes I put really stupid things on my to do list just to feel like I did more than I actually did. I'll write things like "make the bed" and "brush my teeth", just so I can cross them off and feel productive. The problem is when I have one of those no-sleep nights with the babies and I wake up feeling like somebody sprinkled salt in my eye sockets and snuck Nyquil into my coffee. Then I start putting things on the to do list like "change Emma's diaper" and "eat". Today is one of those weeks. One of those weeks where I'm wearing clothes I dug out of the dirty laundry basket because I don't want to fold the laundry that has been sitting in the dryer for a week. And I certainly don't want to rewash the laundry that has been sitting in the washer for a week. I know it's just a button to press. I'm just not into pressing it today.

Eyes in the Back of my Head

Jordan wanted Emma to wear his sunglasses, so he was trying to put them on her while they were playing. I told him not to put them on her because he was going to poke her in her eyes. He stopped. When I looked over at her next, she was wearing them on the back of her head.

Sound Puzzles

I bought some "sound puzzles" for Jordan, thinking that he would like hearing the animal sounds when he put the puzzle pieces in the correct spots. He lost all the pieces and we found out that the sounds are activated by any change in light. Now we have a really annoying board that we probably paid ten dollars for so I don't want to throw it away. So instead we hear guinea pig noises every time we turn off the light. But today the puzzle is lost. Somewhere where the lighting continues to change. I'm hoping it has button cell batteries.

Belly Monster

We were sitting on the couch last night after dinner, as we do every night, when Jordan stopped playing with his toys. He walked over to Dave, looked up, and started screaming. Not like your normal baby scream; not like the "something's wrong" scream; but a scream like the Jim Carrey's "most annoying sound in the world" scream. We asked him if he wanted water. The screaming continued. We asked him if he was hungry. Screaming still. We asked if he wanted to snuggle, if he wanted to go to bed, if he wanted to play. The most annoying sound in the world was still reverberating through our living room. So Dave stood up. The screaming stopped. Sounds of excitement ensued. "Oooooh... oh ho ho.... oooooooo!" And Jordan ran into the kitchen, glancing back to see that Daddy was following him every couple of steps. When he was sure Daddy was going to continue following him, he ran over to the pantry and pointed up. That's where we keep the stash of Jelly Belly's.

Biffer Sweeper

I love that Swiffer made a mop. And I love that the industrial strength velcro on the bottom of the mop holds the disposable yuck-collector on tight. But what I love more than that is watching my son push the mop through the house (sans yuck-collector) at warp speed and run straight into the bedroom. Where we have carpet. Carpet + industrial strength velcro + high speed + light-weight child = unintentional training for the pole vault and a mom who can't stop laughing.

Not-the-Boss Mom

The day your child realizes he has a choice is a sucky day. When you ask him to give you back your phone and he says "no" and runs away with it, it is absolutely shocking. When you put something on the counter to keep it away from the little guy and moments later you hear the bar stool squeaking across the kitchen floor and your son is sitting on the counter playing with the exact object you were trying to keep away from him... that’s also shocking. It makes you wonder where he learned how to do all of these things. But when you take a brush away from him and he backs up and gets a running start before head-butting you so hard he falls to the floor and erupts in laughter, you realize there is a new dimension to parenting that you never thought of before. Because you know exactly where he learned that and you never thought you’d find yourself parenting the other parent.

Nipping at Your Toes

We went to the grocery store earlier today. We selected one of the "kid carts", which had a bench attached to the front for a child to sit on. Jordan climbed up and sat on the bench and I buckled him in, and we put Emma in the standard child seat in the cart -- so the kids were facing each other. It was very cool for the majority of the shopping trip because they love looking at one another. But as I was grabbing some pasta off the shelf, Emma started screaming. And I looked over just in time to see her dear brother let go of her toes. With his teeth.

No Thank You

I fed Emma too many bananas last night. She just started eating solids a few weeks ago, and she really likes bananas. She wont eat rice cereal, so I thought I would give her two of those tiny jars of bananas to help her through the night. She ate them like a champ! About ten minutes later, I had her sitting on my lap, getting some lovey time before I put her to bed. And suddenly (very suddenly), I was covered in a slobbery banana-milk spew. I would estimate the volume at about a half gallon. It definitely increased in volume at some point between the first time it passed her lips and the second. We were both so covered that I thought clean up would be easier if we just got into the bath. And as we sat there in the bathtub, rinsing the slime off of us, Jordan came in with a spoon. The same spoon, in fact, that I had been feeding Emma with. The same food, in fact, that I had been feeding Emma with. And before I could snatch the vommit-filled spoon away from him... he ate it.

Two Is Not Always Better Than One

Two is not always better than one. A perfect example of this is when there is one baby in the Exersaucer already. Why Jordan always climbs into the Exersaucer when Emma is already in there is beyond me. Because a second example of my claim inherently follows: crying babies. Two is definitely not always better than one.

Shaken Mommy Syndrome

We went to Babies R Us the other day to get some new shoes for Jordan (I had gone the day before as well, but I accidentally got the wrong size). I normally keep him in the cart, but he has recently decided that he will not ride in the cart. He will climb out and if it means he falls out on the way down, he doesn't really care. Emma was in the front pack and Jordan and I were holding hands, selecting a new pair of shoes, when he freed his sweaty little hand from my grasp and took off through the store. More specifically, through the clothing section of the store, where he is short enough to dash quickly under the clothes and wind through the maze of fabric with the speed and stealth of a cheetah. I, on the other hand, was smashing ungracefully through the racks that were so closely spaced that I had to push the clothes out of the way, searching desperately for my little escapee. I’ve never had to run with a baby in the front pack before. By the time I got to the checkout counter, I was dripping sweat. My hair looked like I hadn’t brushed it in a week, Emma was crying from being bounced around, Jordan was screaming and trying to wriggle out of my football hold, the contents of my purse were falling out, and I had lost our cart. But I had the box of shoes in hand. And we still had to go to Borders.

In Your Face

Emma woke up around 8am this morning in such an adorable, happy little mood. She was being so cute, and I was having so much fun snuggling her up. I was giving her raspberries on her tummy and cheeks (she's chubby enough for me to get her cheeks now too, and she thinks it's hilarious), when I decided to play the airplane game with her. So I lifted her above my head and was flying her around in circles when the semi-digested milk came spewing out of her mouth with such velocity and volume that I didn't even see it coming. Not until it hit my eyelashes.

Later on, as we were sitting outside enjoying our breakfast, I took Emma's overly full diaper off so that she could enjoy the fresh air. I thought the worst thing that could happen would be that I got peed on a little. And I did. It soaked my shorts, but it's infant pee, so I didn't really care. I figured she was empty, so I laid her in my lap with her head on my knees and was playing with her feet, having her "kick" herself on her cheeks. She was not empty. And when I put her feet on her cheeks, she pressurizes. She peed so far it hit me in the face and ran down my shoulder and arm. I'll be showering now.

Colored TV

I got the tv to babysit for a few minutes today while I did a little Internet research. I was in the room so I figured not much could go wrong. When I turned off the tv, I realized that what used to be grey is now grey and red. Jordan colored the tv. I don't even know where he got the crayon. He didn't even leave the room. The tv stinks at babysitting. It's really too bad.

Boy Smell

I've always known that boys have a distinct smell. I have three brothers. But I didn't realize it starts at such a young age! While trying to figure out what it is that Jordan's smell reminds me of, I realized he smells like mac n cheese. Chronically. I can bathe him with his strawberry smoothie scented shampoo/bodywash, but only hours later he smells like mac n cheese again. Even if he hasn't eaten any mac n cheese in days. What is the deal with this? He eats a ton of cheese, so I get that part. But where is the macaroni smell coming from? And why don't girls have the weird smell thing?

Mattress Topped

I took the kids to Babies R Us a few weeks ago to pick up a new mattress for Emma and a some Diaper Genie refills. Jordan threw a tantrum when I was standing by the mattresses, trying to figure out the difference between “supreme support” and “premium support” other than ten dollars. I mean, should I splurge and get the mattress with the cover where the lambs are happily sleeping or do I want the mattress with the lambs jumping the fence for fifteen dollars less? And does it matter if the mattress has four brass vent holes versus six brass vent holes? And what is the difference between “comfortable but safe” and “firm but comfortable”? Anyway, I was obviously taking too long for my impatient son, so I let him out of the cart to stretch his legs and walk around. After all, we were in the mattress section, so there really weren’t small things around for him to get into. I had him in my peripheral vision while I continued to contemplate which mattress would be best (I had gone in there thinking I would just get the same one that Jordan has, but when I got there I couldn’t remember if his lambs were sleeping or jumping). So I was standing there in all my frustration and Jordan began laughing. I looked over at him. As he climbed to the last step of the wheel-around ladder the store keeps for retrieving the bulk items from overhead. Nice. Mother of the year.

Red Whine

The other night I faced one of my most challenging moments in parenting (by that I mean difficult to “keep my cool”). After about six hours of deep-cleaning our house (scrubbing all of Jordan’s dried up crusty food prints off of the couches, cabinets, tables, walls, and floor), I was exhausted. We went on our evening walk with the kids anyway, and it was wonderful to come home to a good smelling, clean house! It hasn’t been so clean since Emma was born. So we ate outside to keep the dinner mess to a minimum and enjoy the nice weather. After dinner, we indulged and had a little tiramisu and wine on the couch while the 49ers lost. And Jordan had a little tiramisu and wine on the couch as well. What I mean by that is that he shoved his hand in my tiramisu and grabbed a handful, then smeared it all over the freshly cleaned couch. Then he grabbed my glass of wine and poured half of it out on the freshly cleaned coffee table and the freshly cleaned floor. When I yelled “No!!!!” my sweet little angel proceeded to pick up the now half-full glass of wine and throw it at me. Overhand. It looked like a scene from a Quentin Tarantino movie.

Baby Possess-ions

Why don't the toys with batteries just stop working when the batteries run low? Why, instead, do they make strange noises from the bottom of the toy box all hours of the day and night? I totally understand where the concept of "Chucky" came from.

Burning Bag of Fire

We were making dinner last night, and Emma was sitting in the Bumbo chair on the counter next to us as we chopped fruits and vegetables to go in the chutney. We were using a plastic bag to put the skins and seeds in. Emma has just recently learned how to grab things, and I realized the bag was too close to her when she dumped it out all over the counter. I took the bag away from her and began cleaning up the mess when she started crying. I threw the bag away and grabbed a piece of bell pepper to snack on while I calmed her down. As the bell pepper passed my lips I instantly realized why Emma was crying. Her face was red and swollen around her mouth and suddenly mine was too. The jalapeño seeds that were in the bag (and now on both of our hands) can do that. How lovely for her... "I like milk, rice cereal, apples, not a huge fan of pears or prunes yet- what is this new food?..."

Loud Neighbors

We were hanging out in the living room, watching Sesame Street, when I heard some hard core rock music coming from outside. It was really loud. I couldn't believe our neighbors would be so rude and have such horrible music playing so loud! I waited for about twenty minutes before I was so irritated that I decided to go yell from our back yard to please turn it down. I opened the sliding glass door and was shocked by how loud it actually was. What was even more shocking was realizing that it was actually coming from our outdoor sound system. Jordan had turned it on from inside when he was playing by the tv controls.

Smasharoni and Peas

I made Jordan macaroni and cheese for dinner tonight, and in an attempt to get him to eat anything other than cheese or fruit, I mixed in some peas. We sat outside, enjoying the cool evening, and Jordan picked at his dinner. Then he picked up his bowl and poured half of it on the ground. He started picking up the pieces of macaroni and eating them, and of course left the peas on the ground. It was gross enough that he was eating off the ground, but then he stepped on the food and walked away. He walked over to the barbeque, then to the pool, then to the door, and then he stopped. He bent over, lifted up his foot, peeled off a piece of smashed macaroni from the bottom of his foot, and ate it. Yeah Jordan, I'm sure that tasted better than the peas would have. Guess it had some extra flavoring.

Steaming Pool of Shoot

Jordan loves playing in the back yard, and we spend a lot of time out there to encourage his enjoyment of the outdoor world and foster his independence. But he often wanders around to the side of the house to eat all of our garden tomatoes and play on the pool equipment. It drives me nuts because I can't see him, and although I want him to be independent, that's too much for me. I'm still a normalish mom and I don't want him to get hurt. Plus I love tomatoes and he eats all the good ones. But anyway, he escaped to the side of the house one day and I ran over to retrieve him. He had climbed all the way behind the pool filter in the ten seconds it took me to get across the yard. A couple of days later, Dave took the garbage out and passed by the pool. How strange that the back yard was so hot and humid. How strange that the pool heater controls are a mere two feet off the ground, where a toddler could easily turn the dials on his way behind the pool filter. How strange that the entire swimming pool was 101 degrees. I didn't even know that was possible!

Remote Remote

We went to the grocery store to get some things for dinner yesterday. When we got to the checkout, I reached in my purse to get my wallet. I pulled out a remote control for the bedroom television, but no wallet. Why I thought the bed was a safe place to leave my purse I don't know. But at least I had cash in the pocket of the purse. What was more frustrating was going to bed last night and realizing that the blue light on the cable box was on, emitting its extremely bright room illuminating light as we were trying to fall asleep. And the remote was in my purse. Out in my car. Where no kids could mess with it.

Seeing Red

This morning, I tried to use my camera that I keep in my purse for those moments when the cell phone camera just doesn't do the trick. But when I took the picture it had a weird reddish haze across the middle. I took a couple more pictures and then realized that, when Jordan scribbled on my camera last week with red crayon, the lens must have been open. Shoot.

Heavy Load

I normally have to carry Emma around with me wherever I go. She can't sit alone or crawl yet (despite Jordan's recent efforts at "heping" her -- he drags her by her front arms if she's unattended even for a moment during tummy time). And when there are two babies in the house, the tolerance level for crying from either one goes down, unfortunately. Emma cries if she is left alone for even the shortest amount of time, and honestly I would too if I were her simply because of her "helpful" brother. So there lies the reason I end up with at least one baby on my hip the majority of the day. But today Emma wouldn't stop crying even when I was holding her. Jordan was following us around everywhere and kept bumping into my legs, so I thought maybe she was just upset by him for some reason. Until I made a quick turn and Emma was nearly yanked from my hip. By her brother who was hanging from her legs. Maybe the trip to the Circus was a bad idea.

Disasterd

I took Jordan in the shower with me today, just like any other day. And just like any other day, I noticed we had a little mildew farm growing. But today, I decided to get rid of the mildew farm. As I scrubbed here and there between shampoo and conditioner, I heard the shower door open and told Jordan to please shut it while I continued my mildew removal. Then I realized that, although he was a good boy and shut the door, he didn't shut it before bringing his blankie in and putting it over the drain. The blankie was sopping wet but it had been in the dirty laundry pile anyway so I didn't worry about it and let him continue playing with the blankie. Then, as I was rinsing my face and enjoying the smell of my new face wash, a new smell wafted through the nice clean shower. One not of soap or lather of any type. We had a shituation in the shower. A disasterd, if you will. Because not only was there poop in our freshly cleaned shower, but Mr. Bashful decided to "clean" the poop up on his own. With his blankie. Guess I'll throw out the idea of just tossing the blankie in the dryer this time. I love being a mom.

Rolled Up And Photographed

Emma turned five months old the other day. I always do the kids' pictures and footprints on their monthly birthdays just as a fun keepsake for their baby books. But when I did Emma's pictures, I took one extra. I documented her cankles. Hopefully she thinks her ankle rolls are as cute and hilarious in 25 years as I think they are now.

Blame Shifter

I was trying to put both babies down for a nap at the same time today-- something I have never actually tried before. Usually I put Emma down, then Jordan. That works great, but I was feeling lazy. So I had Jordan pinned under my right leg and Emma pinned under my left arm (for some reason I think that's an effective way to get them to fall asleep... never works). Finally, Jordan wiggled out of my leg lock and I thought I'd focus on Emma first instead, like we usually do, and turned to face her. But we were on my bed, not their beds. The difference is that I keep a jar of pens by my bed. Well, that and their beds are much much smaller, but that's not really relevant to my story. So as I was trying to get Emma to fall asleep, Jordan kept poking me in the back of the head with something. The little stinker was grabbing pens from the jar to poke me with! I kept reaching behind me and grabbing them out of his hands, then tossing them to the foot of the bed. He kept finding more. Finally I got fed up, so I sat up and began scolding him as I turned around to face him. And as I turned around, I watched him scoot over and shove the pen into sleeping Emma's hand. Right before he pointed at her and said "dere" ("there" in baby-speak). This is going to be a fun few years.

I'm Not So Tricky

Ever since Jordan decided to be his own person and start feeding himself, he has refused to let me feed him. This makes getting vegetables into him a huge problem. I heard you have to trick kids into eating veggies by sneaking them in to things, so I've been trying to come up with ideas. Unfortunately I'm not very tricky. But today I found something genius at the grocery store. Yogurt (a dairy product so I know he'll love it) with bananas (already his favorite food) and some stealthy sweet potatoes hidden in the mix. I got home and thought I'd try it out on him. I gave it to him in his highchair while I threw together some veggie soup (I'm terrible at hiding veggies for the adults in this house too but enough garlic and onion can almost fix anything here). I checked on him here and there to see how he liked it. He loved it! So much he thought he would get creative. It was everywhere but in his stomach. If you have never seen a child with a yogurt coating, it's really entertaining. It was very hard to keep a straight face while I told him that one was not ok. My discipline is ineffective because I can't not laugh when my son is naughty. Why did God make kids so cute?

Cracker Dust

Grammy is going to wonder why her computer room smells like cracker dust. She will figure it out when she empties the paper shredder. The good news: crackers go through the paper shredder easily. The bad news: I don't think that load is fully recyclable.

Wrong Height

We went to San Francisco yesterday for a change of atmosphere and a long walk along the piers. We finally let Jordan out of the stroller to play for a few minutes before heading to our next destination. He was playing on the pier (the one with the fence all around so small children can't fall into the water) and calling to the "duckies" (seagulls), when he ran over to the bench we were sitting on and shoved something in his mouth. A lovely cigarette butt from the 2 1/2 foot tall disgusting public ash tray. Why do they make public ash trays the wrong height?

But There Are Some Butts

Diapers only go up to size six. For most people, this little factoid doesn't pose a problem. But there are some butts... my child's butt, for one, that have a big problem. Jordan was wearing size six diapers by the time he was eight months old. He is twice that old now. But the diapers have not accommodated this difference. Any part of it, really. I would be willing to pay extra for two more inches of coverage. Why did they have to stop at size six? "Diaper" and "thong" should never be synonymous.

Big Headed

I don't understand why all baby clothes aren't made with stretchy neck holes. It makes no sense to make an article of clothing for a 3-6 month old baby that has a neck hole that only a newborn head could fit through. Am I supposed to just leave her head inside the shirt? Maybe it's just a breathing hole? What amazes me is that the more expensive the clothes, the more likely they seem to have this tiny neck hole problem. The worst part is that sometimes I don't realize that the hole is too small right away. It's a bit of a squeeze, but I can get Emma's head through there when I put the shirt on. But her head is not shaped the same for the shirt-off part. What goes in does not always come out. I guess we pay more for that cute little stylish rip that we get to create for the shirt-off part. I know why they include that extra button now.

Say What?

There are some things I just don't like to hear come out of my own mouth. For so many reasons.

Some recent examples:
"Where did you get Cheerios?"
"We probably shouldn't use that to cook anymore."
"It looks like ashes."
"Just throw that shirt away."

"I just walked into the kitchen and the fridge is wide open.... No, he's been sleeping for about two hours."

"Nope, the keys are in there with him."

It Doesn't Taste As Good As It Smells

Jordan is learning (slowly) that things don't always taste as good as they smell. I bought him some strawberry-smoothie scented kids shampoo a couple of weeks ago, and when we got home, I was unloading the car when I walked in on a mess of shampoo all over the floor and my son spitting everywhere. He got another nasty surprise last Saturday at Auntie's birthday party, when he got into her gym bag. It took us a moment to figure out what we had eaten and was spitting all over Grammy's white carpet, but his breath gave it away. It smelled like teen spirit.

Stinkin Cheese

I found some chewed up, melted string cheese yesterday. When I made my bed. Thank you Jordan.

Disappearing Act

I took the kids to Target a while back on one of my boring days (the days where you have nothing fun to do but you want to feel like you have accomplished something with the 24 hours you have on your hands but everything on the to do list is ranges from "sweep the garage" to "clean out the back of the closet" so you think a trip to the store could be an excusable task to add to the list... afterall, your face wash is half empty). While I was there, I thought I'd browse through the clothing section to see if I could find some more fat clothes. Target has great cheap clothes. Jordan was in the basket of the cart and, at the time, Emma was still in the infant seat, so she was in the front part of the cart. I was meandering through the clothes when I felt the cart catch on something. I thought the wheel must be stuck on some clothes so I shoved the cart pretty hard to get past it. That was when I heard a shriek. I immediately checked to see what I had run over when I saw that Jordan was not in the cart anymore. Then I saw my son hanging about three feet off the ground by a dress, clinging with white knuckles. That was just the first time Jordan performed a disappearing-from-the-cart act. We don't take the cart through the clothes sections anymore.

Nature vs Nurture?

It's nature. Boys are naturally gross. I learned this when Jordan chugged his milk, burped extremely loud, and then began laughing hysterically. Nobody better have taught him that. Any idea how hard it is to keep a straight face and tell your burping-laughing child that's "yucky" though? It comes out as "hee-uck-hee". Shoot... maybe it is nurture.

Bye Bye Bassinet

We got rid of the bassinet yesterday. By that, I mean that it's in the back of my closet, on top of the giant stack of other junk that I'm going to weed through and clean out. I really am going to do it. It's on my to do list. It gets moved to the "tomorrow" section of my to do list every day, but it's on there nonetheless. It made me a little sad to get rid of the bassinet, not only because I now have a huge crib on my side of the bed where my nice little bedside table once stood, with my nice little phone charger and my nice little water bottle. But because my nice little baby is also turning huge.

As I was disassembling the bassinet yesterday, I started reminiscing... thinking about bringing our little girl home and putting her in her bassinet for the very first time, and how tiny she looked in there. And then I remembered Jordan's discovery of the bassinet. He discovered it only a couple of months ago. He crawled onto our bed and across my bedside table, knocking everything in his path to the floor. He climbed into the bassinet, sat down, then flung himself backwards. That was when he learned about the bouncing feature of that particular bassinet. From that day on, I couldn't keep him out of the bucking bronco bassinet. Even when Emma was already in it.

See Spot Stew

I don't know what I was thinking wearing white today. Or any other day that I wear white. My ability to keep white clothes clean is similar to my ability to speak Arabic. I can't. I probably could if I really tried, but it would take so much effort and honestly, I'm just not that motivated. It's unfortunate that white goes so well with every other color -- such a catch 22 in the mommy world. It's easy, yet it's not easy... the story of my life. But what happened to my white shirt today was not a foreseeable misfortune. We went to the grocery store to pick up some essentials - you know, milk, salt, toothpaste, soda. When we got back out to the car, I left Jordan in the cart while I put Emma in the car. When I went to get Jordan, he was holding my soda, so I let him hold it while I put him in his carseat and then swapped it for an animal cracker. I finished putting the groceries in the car, got in the drivers seat, opened my soda, and then realized that Jordan shook my soda up before he gave it back to me.

Marco....?

A lot of things go missing in our house. We have yet to find the legendary carton of creamer that mysteriously disappeared. I call it legendary because when a dairy product goes missing from the fridge, there are usually some pretty extensive search efforts involved. We don't really know what happened. Jordan learned how to open the fridge, then some time passed, then we made mashed potatoes one night and used cream, then the next morning we made coffee and wondered where the hell the cream went.

For a while we went through a phase where a lot of stuff was missing on a regular basis. One day I was in the kitchen making lunch when I watched Jordan run through the kitchen with the remote control in his hand and make a beeline for the trash can. We have one of those auto-open-motion-detecting trash cans. It automatically opened and Jordan threw the remote in and ran back to the living room. He came back with my cell phone in his hand and, once again, made a beeline for the trash can. I caught him before my phone received a used-coffee-grounds crust. It's too late for the other missing stuff. But I really hope that the cream suffered the same fate.