Merry Kidsmas

I have always loved Christmas. It's so much fun to spend time with family, eat deliciously sinful food until you're sick, and give and receive gifts. I love the lights, the smells, the twinkles and sparkles, and the magical wonder of the season. But what I experienced for the first time this year was something new and better than any of my previous 26 Christmases.
This year, I experienced the joy of spending every moment with my babies. Watching the way their faces lit up every single time they saw Christmas lights or shimmering decorations. I experienced the magical amusement they had over a simple roll of wrapping paper, and fondly nicknamed Jordan "Rip Van Crinkle" because of this fascination. I watched their amazement every time we lit a fire, and how "fire" quickly became Jordan's favorite word. I watched them love and play with one another, and fell more and more in love with being their Mommy. And when we walked into the living room on Christmas morning, I watched their eyes twinkle as they looked over the bags and packages Santa put under the tree for them. And we all sat on the floor and laughed so hard every time Jordan would rip open a package and scream "oh wow!" and jump up and down. And our hearts melted as Emma crawled right over to her new pink walker and took her first steps with it. Later in the day, we spent our afternoon together hanging out and assembling baby toys, laughing about how Santa should really think about assembling things before hand. This year I had my favorite Christmas. Because this year, I didn't just feel love. I saw it, and all of its incredible, perfect beauty. Merry Kidsmas.

Chocolate? Surprise

Dave took the kids for a little while so that I could go have some "me" time. When I returned, he was wearing different pants. Then he told me why...
He was playing with the kids when Jordan ran over to him and wanted his hands cleaned off. Dave wiped off Jordan's little fingers with his hand, while Jordan wiped his other hand off on Dave's shorts. It wasn't until later that Dave realized his hand smelled like poop, and that both his hand and shorts were covered in poo that Jordan had pulled out of his diaper and wiped on him. He was absolutely disgusted. I, on the other hand, was highly amused. I didn't realize how funny it is when it happens to somebody else ;)

Mama, Oh No!

I was trying to finish wrapping the last of our Christmas gifts after dinner tonight. Emma had already gone to bed and Dave was reading to Jordan in the living room, so I had a free moment. I needed more wrapping paper. We keep it above the cabinets in the laundry room, so I climbed up on the counter to get it. I was digging through a couple of boxes to find what I wanted when Dave came rushing in with Jordan. Both of them looked up at me standing there and Dave started laughing, then explained what happened.
Jordan had followed me into the laundry room and saw me climb up and stand on the counter. He ran back in to Dave and said "Mama, oh no! Mama, oh no!". Then he started walking away, saying the same "Mama, oh no!"... So Dave followed him, expecting to find me injured on the floor somewhere. I'm glad my son knows it's bad to stand on the counter when I do it!

It is What I Said But Not What I Meant...

I was playing with the kids on the floor in the living room this evening when Emma decided that she did not want to sit, nor did she want to crawl on the floor. She wanted the bottoms of her feet to be the only thing touching the floor. Unable to play with both babies in this particular situation, I asked Jordan to go get me their little red car/walker so that Emma could hold onto it and stand. He ran into the other room, but he didn't return. I went to go find him. He was standing in the hallway, hanging from the doornob into the garage. When he saw me, he let go of the doornob, pointed to the door, and said "car!"...
I didn't realize that when I said "Go get Emma the car", he would take me literally.

Head to Toe

I think the term "covered from head to toe" is often misused. I don't think anybody understands the true meaning of the term until they feed their extremely active son prunes one night and let them play in their footed jammies a little too long the next morning.

Bath Time

I took Emma into the bathtub with me last night. I had been painting her room, so I was covered in paint. And she had been eating, so she was covered in food. We played and splashed around in the bath for a couple of minutes, until she threw up her entire dinner into the bathtub. But that wasn't quite as bad as a couple of minutes before that, when we were getting into the tub and I thought I saw a piece of food on the floor, so I picked it up between thumb and forefinger only to realize I was holding a tiny turd with my bare hands. Sometimes bathwater just can't make you feel clean enough.

Iced Pee

I emptied our Diaper Genie the other day and was actually surprised by how heavy the bag was. There weren't that many diapers in there, but the bag must have weighed around 20 pounds. I tossed the bag right outside the back door, not wanting to leave the kids unattended long enough to take the bag out to the trash can. I thought I would take it out later, when they were napping. But I forgot. The diapers sat overnight. And the next morning when I went outside, I grabbed the bag. I lifted it, and the previously heavy bag was extraordinarily light. Mainly because all of the pee had frozen and was so heavy that the bag ripped and the diapers poured all over the place. Frozen diapers roll. And sink in pools.

NOOOOOO!!!

Jordan went upstairs to play yesterday. I thought that he was playing in his room, so I waited about two minutes before going to check on him (normally I don't let him out of sight and/or hearing distance for more than about 30 seconds... that's all it takes for him to cause major destruction... any longer and the destruction is often irreversible, unless of course he's playing in his extremely childproofed room). Anyway, I went upstairs to check on him and was horrified to find that he was NOT in his room. Instead, he was in the upstairs bathroom. Okay, not good. Never good. There is too much stuff to get into in a bathroom. Fortunately, the only thing he was playing with was Megan's toothbrush. He was brushing his teeth with it. Not so bad, really. But here's the kicker: he likes water on his toothbrush. The toothbrush was wet. However, the sink and tub were both dry. And I watched as my son dipped the toothbrush back into the toilet, swirled it around, and stuck it back in his mouth. Now the title makes sense.

Dae's Mornin With the aies.

We had a rough night with Emma last night, and I ended up spending about four hours up with her in the middle of the night. So this morning at the crack of dawn when Emma decided she was ready to wake up, I think I appeared to Dave as a character you may have seen in The Exorcist. Not my finest moment. Fortunately, I am one very lucky lady, and Dave got out of bed and took Emma into the living room to play while I caught up on some lost sleep. When I finally crawled out of bed, I walked into the living room to a room full of bright and smiling faces. And "Guess what your son did?"...
I don't like that game.
"Look at your computer."
So I walked over and opened it up slowly.... In the middle of my keyboard, there was a small void. No G. No B. No V. Just little empty spots where the keys once were.

(I think Dae is fiurin out that it only takes four or fie seconds for aies to destroy EERYTHIN, ut the ood news is that I'm startin to feel less uilty when the aies destroy his thins.) Hehehe

Fine Done-ing

We went to a very nice restaurant last night to celebrate Dave's birthday with his family. We couldn't find a babysitter, so we thought we would take the kids with us. We made sure they had long naps before we left, and that they were both well fed. I thought it would be a little bit challenging to have the kids there, but I didn't think we were in for what was to come...

By the end of dinner, five of the eight adults at our table had spent time outside with Jordan. Jordan had screamed at the top of his lungs on three different occassions and consumed about five tiny glasses of egg-nog. Emma slid out of her high chair four or five times. The floor was covered in hundreds of cereal pieces that we had brought along with us (most of them crushed at that point). Emma had thrown up twice on the floor and my purse. Jordan had blown the candles out eight or nine times. Each baby had consumed at least one sugar cube. Jordan spent time on six different laps; Emma on three. The radius of the food mess around the high chairs extended approximately four feet. The white tablecloth was covered in about 47 seconds of scribbling. Jordan's white button-up shirt had two tomato slices on the front of it, and his face was covered in 1/4 piece of chocolate mousse cake. Emma had eaten 1/2 piece of chocolate mousse cake, and Jordan.... well, who knows really. It was fine dining at its best... It was the longest 2 1/2 hours and the smallest one glass of wine, and I think we are fine done-ing for a while. At least with the kids ;)

Shower Shock

I rarely get a chance to take a shower without children in the room, and the other evening, the rare opportunity arose. Dave got the kids into their pajamas and ready for bed, and was playing with them in the living room when I decided to take a quick shower. It was so nice and relaxing to enjoy the silence. As I rinsed the soap from my face, I felt something brush against my leg. Startled, I opened my eyes and looked down to see my little Jordan hugging my leg and smiling up at me. In his soaking wet pajamas.

Belly Flops

We went to the Jelly Belly factory a few weeks ago, just for fun. While we were there, we bought a few pounds of jelly beans. I'm not really sure why. Anyway, today I have about two pounds of jelly beans on my kitchen floor. Because I underestimated my son's abilities. He knew exactly where the jelly beans were -- the third shelf up in the food cabinet. The third shelf up because it's the first shelf he can't possibly reach. Well, couldn't possibly reach most likely probably probably not couldn't is past tense. When I heard the first jelly bean fall from the third shelf and bounce on the floor I thought "Oh shoot... I better go clean that up and make sure Jordan can't reach the rest of them." It was a stupid thought though. Because as I was standing up I heard the horrible cascade of the other 7000 jelly beans as they bounced around on the floor. And looked over to see Jordan standing on his racecar cushy chair... which elevated him the extra 3.5 inches he needed to reach that third shelf without making the chair squeaking noise that would cause his mother to rush into the kitchen and prevent the Jelly Belly mayhem in the first place. And then, as I rushed into the kitchen to clean them up, Jordan rushed around the kitchen grabbing the jelly beans as quickly as his little fingers could go, and the boy turned into a hamster, and shoved an absurd amount of candy into his little mouth. Sometimes it really sucks to have a clever child.

Tiny Sampler

I think everybody loves Costco samples. It's kind of human nature... free food is always pleasant when 1) you're not expecting it, 2) you're a little hungry anyway and 3)it's junk food! Woohoo!
My favorite part of the Costco samples is when I have an impatient, hungry child in my cart. A couple of days ago, I was trying to get through our weekly Costco trip as stress-free as possible. Jordan, however, was trying to shove Emma out of the cart and trying to open everything in the cart. It was really frustrating, but as we passed the enchilada samples, I grabbed one and handed it to Jordan, hoping to keep him happy for a minute or so until we could make it to another sample booth. It didn't. It really really didn't. In fact, by the time we made it to another sample booth, both babies were screaming and so was I (on the inside though). Why? Because as Jordan delicately held his enchilada piece in its little white paper food sample holder, Emma reached over and stole it. And held it so tightly that it squished out of her fingers as Jordan looked on in horror, just before she shoved her hand in her mouth and ate it all. And then he wanted it back.

Larrietta David

We met Larry David's female Safeway-working counterpart the other day. We had to go stock up on new babyfood after Emma's pediatrician put her on a special fruit-based diet. (The pediatrician appointment was another disaster altogether... Jordan went into overprotective brother mode when the doctor made Emma cry, and bit the doctor before I could grab him.) Anyway, I thought I would get some apples while we were there. When we got to the checkout counter, I realized that Jordan had taken bites out of some of the apples. I never would have thought that was a big deal. But to Larrietta David (our lovely checker), it was. She made a huge deal about the bites and told me she would have to calculate the weight of the bites so that she knew how much to charge me. However, this clearly well-educated and motivated 40-year old woman standing on the other side of the counter must have foregewd (thank you Celebrity Apprentice for that word) math classes from Kindergarten on. She kept us standing there for about 10 minutes as the line got longer and longer, even after I told her I would just pay for an extra apple. Finally, in her frustration, she threw the apples in a bag and totalled our order. Her last words to me: "I'll just give them to you at this weight as a courtesy."
I guess she foregewd vocabulary lessons too.

You've Been Cut

Yesterday I took Jordan in the shower with me. It's easier that way because he also gets clean and I don't have to worry about him hitting or kicking or smashing Emma in any way. As I was getting the shampoo out of my hair, I felt Jordan standing on the bench behind me, petting my hair. I thought it was extremely cute that he was playing with my hair and being so gentle, and I couldn't help but smile. Until I was done washing my hair and looked down to find chunks of it on the shower floor. And turned around to see my son with a huge smile on his face and my razor in his hand.

Today I was sitting in the bedroom, trying to get my sweet little Emma down for a nap. I could hear Jordan playing in the bathroom, but it didn't sound like he was getting into anything so I didn't worry too much. I finally got Emma to sleep so I walked into the bathroom to check on Jordan. To my horror, there was toothpaste EVERYWHERE. It was smeared across the cabinets, on the toilet seat, on the shower door, on the floor... and there was something else on the floor. There sat my son. With my razor in his hand. With chunks of his own hair smeared into gobs of toothpaste. His cute, fluffy curls... on the floor... and we were going to do Christmas pictures this weekend... My timing is impeccable.

Pavlov's Theory...

I was playing with the kids in the kitchen this morning. Sesame Street was on in the background to keep us company -- the morning ritual. Jordan was chasing me around the island when a doorbell rang on Sesame Street. It didn't sound anything like our doorbell. Nevertheless, Jordan ran for our door. I followed him into the front room to find him hanging from our doornob, trying to get the door open. He let go of the door and ran behind me, pushing me toward the door, chanting "pi-tla! pi-tla! pi-tla!" and jumping up and down...
Pavlov's Theory for one year olds: doorbells = pizza. Too funny.

It's Possible

We were playing upstairs in the kids section at the Railroad Museum when I noticed another mom holding a very young baby girl and chasing a toddler. She caught the little boy and walked back to where I was standing, and stood next to me while her son played near Jordan. I asked her what her kids' age difference was. Her reply: "Oh they're not both mine! He's 18 months and she's 6 months. I don't think it's even possible to have them that close!"
Jordan ran up to me and wrapped his arms around my legs. I picked him up (with Emma still in the front pack), looked at her, and laughed. "It's possible."

No Big Deal

We went to the Railroad Museum today. I saw a special on the news about the Polar Express at the Railroad Museum, so I thought it would be a lot of fun for the kids and a great way to get out of the house. We got to Old Sacramento and I opened the trunk of the car only to find that the stroller was not in there. It was in the entry way at home, actually. No big deal -- I had the front pack. I unloaded the kids from the car and put Emma in the front pack and Jordan on my shoulders. What a great day to wear heels. No big deal -- I'm great at walking in heels. I went to grab my purse only to find that it too was at home. No big deal -- I had my wallet. And a bag to put it in. A diaper bag. Weighing approximately ten more pounds. No big deal -- I skipped out on the gym today anyway. So Emma in the front pack, Jordan on my shoulders, diaper bag... hmm... around my neck. That'll work. No big deal. Now to pay the meter. Crumbs. No quarters. No big deal -- I walked in my heels down the crickety old wooden planked walkway with Emma in the front pack, Jordan on my shoulders, the diaper bag around my neck, and a dollar in my pocket for the change machine. As I put my dollar in the change machine, I saw the meter man standing in front of my car. NO WAIT!!! I'M RIGHT HERE!!! Right here. Running down the wooden planked walkway in my heels with Emma in the front pack, Jordan on my shoulders, the diaper bag around my neck, and my dollar in my hand because the stupid machine wouldn't take it. When I reached my car, the meter man looked at me. My eyes welled up with tears. I held out my dollar. "Do you have any quarters please?" He started laughing, and told me that he'd never seen anyone carry their kids like that but my hair looked great considering the circumstances. He told me he remembered the days when his kids were small, and how his grandkids make him so happy now. I told him the change machine was broken. He pulled out four quarters and handed them to me. "No big deal. Merry Christmas."

Reflecting

Here I sit all covered in toys
Knowing my kids are my greatest joys
Even when they whine and they cry
I cherish every day that goes by
And someday they will be all grown
And leave us with an empty home
And so for now I love to lay
And watch my babies run and play
Wasting, loving, enjoying away
This beautiful, wonderful, fantastic day.

Marked

This potty training thing has been interesting. There are days when Jordan wants to sit on the toilet all day, and there are days he could care less. Today is one of the all day days. He pooped in his diaper and came and grabbed me and wanted to sit on the toilet. I undiapered him and helped him up there and he sat for a few minutes, pottyless. When he was done, he wanted to wash his hands. So I turned the water on and sat him on my leg and helped him wash his hands. When he was all done, I set him down and he ran away. I looked down to pick up his diaper off the floor, and as I was looking down, I noticed something on my leg where Jordan was sitting to wash his hands. I had been skid marked. Next time I will remember that even though he didn't go in the toilet, he did in fact go.

Ashes, Ashes, We All Freak Out

Sometimes I wish there was Tivo for life. Most of the time, it would be to rewind and replay all the little adorable moments in my kids' lives. But occassionally, it would be to rewind, stop, delete, and get a new show. We had one of those occassions today.

I woke up feeling like the house needed some serious cleaning. After a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend of doing absolutely nothing, the house was beginning to look like a disaster zone. I realized exactly how bad it was when Emma was crawling around on the floor and her hands, legs, and face were all covered in dirt. Gross.

So I started cleaning things up. I did the dishes, cleaned the ashes out of the fireplace, started some laundry, and decided to go work in the garage for a few minutes and clean up the pile of baby gear that had accumulated next to the firewood stack. The gear had been piling up because I kept taking things out of my car and leaving them there to make more room for other junk. And I would have cleaned the pile up earlier, but we had brought so much firewood into the house over the top of it that it was all covered in the wood dirt. Anyway, it needed to be cleaned up. Emma was napping, so I took Jordan out there with me and let him play with his golf clubs while I sorted through things. I was almost finished, and was sweeping up the floor when I heard something fall over and Jordan said "Oh no..." I turned around to see the entire bucket of ashes that I had just cleaned out of the fireplace -- DUMPED ALL OVER THE FLOOR I JUST SWEPT. When I repeated my sweet little son... "Oh no!!!"... he freaked out and waved his golf club through the ashes, sending them flying all over all of the toys I just cleaned, himself, and me. Rewind, stop, delete.

Foot in Mouth. Now.

Today I learned that even the oldest and sweetest of ladies can put their feet in their mouths. We were walking along the loop that we like to walk in our neighborhood in an attempt to burn off some of the Thanksgiving week calories. I was struggling to get the stroller up a small hill -- the stroller weighs about 100 pounds when the kids are both in it. As I sang the alphabet song along with each step (to keep the kids happy), I heard a voice behind me... "I'm passing you on the right." I turned around to see a cute little old lady power walking up the same hill I was struggling with. She walked beside me for a moment and asked how old the kids were, then told me that she thought they were so cute. She said that it was sweet that I was singing to them as we walked, and I was immediately mortified that she had actually heard me singing. Mainly because I like to pretend I'm a really good singer when I sing the ABCs even though I make William Hung sound like an American Idol. And then the kicker. She said that pushing the stroller up the hill looked like a workout in itself. I told her that yes, it is very heavy, and the hills give me a great workout. Here it comes. "Well keep that up and you'll lose the baby weight in no time!" Did she really just say that? Yes. Yes, she did.

A Mischievous Morning

Jordan had a mischievous morning this morning. He usually has those, but this one was more eventful than many of the others.

First, I left him in his high chair for a moment with his breakfast while I changed Emma's diaper. When we came back in, he was a super-hero. What I mean by that is that when we walked back into the room, he was standing on top of his high chair with one foot on each arm rest, with one arm in the air and the other by his side. It's really hard not to laugh at something like that, but I've become the master of the silent belly laugh -- where my belly still shakes like a bowl full of jelly but I try desperately to make the laughter silent and concentrate on not smiling. Quite the trick.

Second, I took Jordan out of the high chair and thought I'd let him play in the living room while I unpacked Christmas decorations. I unloaded one of the boxes (we keep them in those giant Tupperware boxes) and started putting the lights on the Christmas tree. I had the second row of lights nearly in place when I heard a thud and a squeal. I turned around. No Jordan in sight. Emma sat there peacefully on the floor and smiled. And up popped the Jordie head out of the empty box. How he got in there without tipping it over is beyond me. But once he was in there, he maintained the inability to tip the box over. "Duck mommy. I duck." Yep, and you will remain duck until I get a picture of this. Hahaha... evil mommy.

Shortly after that, as I finished up the forth row of lights on the tree, the tree came toppling over. Why? Because my sweet little son was trying to climb it. Now I can't get it stable because the trunk and the base are no longer friends. Guess I wont finish the tree today.

So I went in the other room to change Emma again and Jordan followed us in there. He stood next to me and talked to me while I changed his sister, and was being very cute. He was still wearing his pajamas, and he was playing with the zipper. I finished changing Emma and looked down to see my son with his jammie zipper down to his belly button and the top completely open. I was a little surprised because I had never seen him undo a zipper before, but what surprised me more was what he said when I looked at him. "I yike it dis mommy." Great. He likes it and he can do it himself. And he looks silly as hell.

Later on, I took the kids out for a walk because it was sunny and warm outside. When we got home, I pulled Jordan out of the stroller and set him down, then pulled Emma out. Jordan had run into our bedroom, so I assumed he was going to play with his toys in there or try to turn the TV on and I went in the kitchen to get some water. But as I stood in the kitchen, I noticed something in the corner of my eye. It was Jordan. He was standing outside. How did he get there? He opened the sliding glass door in the bedroom and snuck out. Time for round 7,346,892 of childproofing and prayer round 9,473,164,002 that this is a toddler behavior that doesn't continue into the teenage years.

So I got him back inside and the door locked back up (for some reason I was hoping at the time that slamming the locking mechanism into place would somehow make it more difficult for him to open next time... I can't wait for mommy brain to go away). I put both babies on the floor in the living room while I went into the kitchen to make some lunch. I made some lunch and put Jordan in his high chair to eat, then went to pick up Emma and snuggle her a little before nap time. That was when I realized that Emma was bleeding from the top of her head. Her hair and scalp were sticky and red, but I couldn't figure out what could have happened to her because I never heard her cry. And then I realized that there was no cut where the blood could have come from. And then I realized that Jordan had a little piece of red licorice in his hand still. I'm not really sure where he got the licorice, but it's real cute that he chewed it up and drooled it all over his sister's head. Glad it wasn't gum.

It's nap time now. Thank you God.