The Good, The Bad and The Mommy

Sometimes I think it's funny when my kids are upset. Like when Jordan fell into the toy box and the lid closed on him, and somehow the large pitcher that was on the edge of the play kitchen fell over on top of the lid and rolled to the back of the lid, lodging itself in such a way that made it impossible for Jordan to lift the lid. And as he screamed and kicked the lid in an attempt to free himself, I grabbed the camera. Oh, and then I let him out and happily accepted the thank-you hugs that came along with the "You save me Mama!"

The Green Puppy

As some of you may know, my son has decided that he would like a green puppy. This was a big deal a month ago when his birthday rolled around. What do you do when you ask your child what they want for their birthday and they tell you "a green puppy"? Anything else? "No the only thing I ever want my whole life is a green puppy." Aww shoot, Buddy... I can do nothing but disappoint you.

Well, I thought this green puppy infatuation would dwindle after all the birthday festivities had passed. Not so. Not so at all. Yesterday, on the way to my parents' house, Jordie started giggling in the back seat...

Jordan: Gwammy said I can have Kai.
(Note: Kai is a MASSIVE white Great Pyrenese. And he drives me nuts because he always wants to slobber on me and push me around. He reminds me of my brothers when I was little. It's kind of a known fact that he drives me nuts... A joke in the family almost. Oh, Kai is also my mom's fifth child and there is NO WAY she said that Jordie can have him. End note.)
Me: Oh really? When did Gram say that?
Jordan: Yestewday. She say I can paint him gween.

Not giving it up, are you Buddy? Hehehe

If You Give a Kid a Hall Pass...

The problem with a late nap is exactly this... It's one in the morning and Jordan wants to watch tv. But the tv is too bright so he wants to wear his sunglasses. But we can't find the sunglasses without turning on the light. So while Dave searches for the sunglasses, Jordan wants to go potty. But he can't see because it's too dark so he wants me to help him. But I can't see to help him and he doesn't want the light on. So I let him go with the light off and he pees all over my foot. Awesome. Now Dave has found the sunglasses but Jordan wants to watch tv in our bed because he doesn't want to watch Dave's show. We're in a bind because we don't want him to cry and wake Emma up... then we'd be dealing with conflicting demands, right? So we let him watch tv in the bed but now he's hungry because he missed dinner and he wants a snack. But I just washed the sheets today after the mess he made when he brought peanut butter in the bed this morning. I'm finding it ironic that Jordan's new favorite phrase is "What should we do?" I'm also feeling like we shouldn't have given the mouse a cookie. And I'm realizing that book is not so much a children's book as it is a parenting-for-dummies guide. Sometimes I just wish the "not it" game applied to parenting just as easily ;)

Dead Chicken Running

We are roasting a whole chicken for dinner tonight. I walked into the kitchen for a moment and the chicken was lying out on the counter. Jordan excitedly told me "Hey Mommy! That chicken dead."

Me: You're right, Buddy. It is dead.
My thoughts: Wow. Disturbing.

Dave began tying the chicken's legs with a piece of string.

Jordan: Hey Daddy! That chicken dead.
Dave: Yep, it's dead.
Jordan: What you doin?
Dave: Tying it's legs together.
Jordan: You tyin his legs together?
Dave: Yep.
Jordan: (pause)... Oh... So he can't run?

Gotta love the way kids think ;)

One-upper-ever

I have been working on writing another children's book, and this morning I thought I'd debut the manuscript for the kids while we were snuggled up in bed watching cartoons. I thought I'd get the most honest assessment of their interest levels if I paused Mickey Mouse and read through their protests. So away I went, timidly reading my newest manuscript to them (it's a real crusher when they hate something I wrote... little critics!). I got to the end and they had both been silent the entire time. I asked how they liked it...
Jordan: I yuv it, Mommy!
Emma: I yuv it too.
Jordan: I yuv it forever.
Emma: I yuv it fah-ever too.
Jordan: I yuv ALL Mommy's stories forever.
Emma: I yuv all Mommy's stowies fah-ever too.
Jordan: I yuv all Mommy's stories five-ever.

Oh children... children, please... Keep going. ;)

I a Good Sharer.

We were snuggled up in bed this morning watching cartoons and eating apples when Jordan ran out of apple slices. As I braced myself for a rumble involving Emma's apples (and by brace myself I mean put my coffee down and start moving my arms-and-legs-wall between my semi-pro toddler mixed martial artists), I thought I could use the moment to teach a little more about sharing. Who knows... someday they may get it, right? So I was explaining to them what sharing is when Jordan grabbed all of Emma's apples, put them in his bowl, quickly snapped each slice in half and put the corresponding halves back into Emma's bowl. Then he looked at me with a smile: "I a good sharer, Mommy." I still can't figure out if I should be proud...

From May 2010

I took Jordan to his taekwondo lesson one day. It didn't go well at all. They were working on two things: following directions and respect. His very first lesson was a lot of fun. It was new to him, and he listened intently to everything Mr. V said to him and performed every task enthusiastically. I left there feeling incredibly proud of my gifted genius child and called everybody on my speed dial to tell them how adorable my kid was. But the newness quickly wore off and by lesson number three, my son was, once again, marching to the beat of his own drum. Not only did he ignore every simple request Mr. V offered up; he ran through the room like a bouncy ball thrown at the wall with full force. He was bouncing off the walls, quite literally. I was sitting there hoping I put enough concealer on to hide the fact that I was more than a little embarrassed. But then the bomb dropped. The f-bomb, that is. Not only was my then two year old not following directions at all, but now he was dropping f-bombs left and right in front of Mr. Respect himself. The gears in my head started turning as I thought of other words I could pretend he said... "He is really into trucks lately... We live near a pond with ducks... He had Lucky Charms for breakfast?..." But before I could come up with something believable, my sweet little boy said it again, clear as day: "FUUUUUU**!" And again, but this time accompanied by supporting words: "Shoot! Dammit! FU**!" At this point the lesson ended, and I gathered up my kids as the horror pounded through my veins. "We'll see you tomorrow, Mr. V" I said. No response. The shame hit me in the butt on my way out.

So we walked out to the car in silence and I asked Jordan to put his hands on the car while I buckled Emma into her carseat. This is standard practice for us so he actually listened. (Side note: my brother thinks I got this idea from watching too many episodes of Cops, and while I do know that the show was filmed on location with the men and women of law enforcement and all suspects are innocent until proven guilty in a court of law, I really got the idea from my sister's old babysitter. I know, quite anti-climactic.) I got Emma all buckled in and shut the door. I turned to grab Jordan when my heart began racing. Where did he go?! He couldn't have gone far... I just heard him speaking only seconds ago. Then the giggle. I turned toward the familiar naughty-toddler sound. A full 180 degrees. The sound came from behind me, but all that was behind me was another car. With my two year old giggling away at the wheel. The good news is that we live in an area where people feel safe enough to leave their car doors unlocked. The bad news was that this particular car had been broken into. By my son. How do you get your child out of a stranger's car without looking suspicious? What an awkward moment.

I'm Back!

Asyou may have noticed, I haven't blogged for a while. Life with two toddlers has been pretty chaotic! The terrible twos have been awesome (and terrible). In the past year we have been through ups, downs, and all arounds. We've moved, resized (everyone has gotten bigger- peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for everybody! Woohoo!), made new friends and learned new lessons every day. I've written a children's book (and am hoping to hear back from a publisher soon), learned to paint (well... finger paint), and set up an awesome in-home preschool for the kids. We've been to doctors appointments galore, learned about Jordan's love of women, potty trained, and been on some pretty awesome (and not so awesome) family vacations. We have had birthday parties and going away parties and Michael Jackson dance parties, tea parties and paint parties and screw-it-all-let's-watch-cartoons-all-day parties. I've consumed enough coffee to kill elephants (plural), built beds (who knew I could use tools), lost my mind several times (this doesn't actually include my fanny-pack wearing escapades to public places although I'm aware that those are arguable moments for this category), developed my skills as a master toddler hair-cutter, and um, never figured out how to get all the laundry done. We have offended several thousand people (diarrhea helps here, as does Jordan's love of boobs), made several thousand others laugh (add diarrhea to this category too), and even awed a couple (not a couple thousand- just a couple, actually). It has been a busy, busy time, but I wouldn't trade it for the world! I hope you enjoy these next few posts... I'll be posting some of my favorite stories from this last year to catch you all up! :)